The wonderful Eliza Fricker has very kindly put this illustration together for me. I was instantly drawn to her blog https://missingthemark.blog/ as everything she illustrates completely fits with our experiences.
I was asked on BBC Radio Leeds by Stephanie Hirst if I felt lonely on our journey. I certainly did to start with but it’s been so important to connect with other parents who have been through similar battles.
To have someone that’s got your back even though you may have never met them in person, has been one of the things that has kept me going. You can be honest, knowing that they totally get what you’re saying. They’ve felt it, gone through it! They support you through the dark times and remind you that there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
It was Eliza’s blog post ‘Navigating A System’ that initially caught my eye and it was absolutely spot on with what we were experiencing right at that moment. Quite a few months on and nothing much has changed. You absolutely know that the generic authority number will flash up as soon as you nip to the loo. If you miss it, who knows when you will get through again.
So many parents have already contacted me about the huge struggles they are facing right now and a recurring theme seems to be ‘Masking’. Sophia has begun to access Home Tutoring this week as an interim measure whilst we wait for a school placement that can meet her needs. Yesterday saw a day of heightened anxiety, restlessness and panic. This morning she wasn’t able to decide what she wanted for breakfast. As she repeated “Mummy”, “Mummy” over and over in distress, I had to take some deep breaths as the memories of school mornings flooded back.
Sophia wanted her tutor to come, that she had met last week. She so wanted to engage with the work that she had prepared but the fear of the unknown and the demands that may be put upon her were about to result in avoidance. I am now in a place where I can appreciate the helpful approaches listed by The PDA Society and put them into action. We certainly treat meltdowns as panic attacks, negotiate to solve challenges and always have a Plan B.
Having me at home throughout the session meant that Sophia could waver between masking and freely expressing herself. As the first task began, she looked at me, she lunged to me, she mouthed words that at first I didn’t understand. She was trying to tell me that she didn’t know what to do. Why could she not say that to her tutor? Because she is a people pleaser. She wants everything to be perfect. She worries that by being honest, it will upset the person she is engaging with.
I left the room as she settled. Sophia enjoyed the structure of column addition sums and a wordsearch but the final piece of work was to draw. She ran into the room where I was. Something had triggered “the body to engage defensively” (Porges, 2017). Her fawning response to please her tutor could not be sustained and the flight response kicked in. Her drawing in her eyes, had gone wrong. It was a disaster and for her right there, it was the end of the world.
Imagine this had happened in a school where professionals do not understand! Would she have been validated?
Find Eliza on Twitter: @_MissingTheMark and Facebook: @MissingTheMark1
