February 2019 and our world came crashing down. I was trying to get over the fact that I could no longer get into work but the heartbreak of feeling I was letting down the young people I taught was often overwhelming. Leaving Sophia at school in tears as I walked away; holding back my own tears till I reached the safety of my car, was becoming a daily occurrence.
I felt I had to hide my true feelings because I had already been blamed for putting my own anxieties onto my daughter. The time came for this to stop. Her mental health and well being came first and I couldn’t fight her corner if I wasn’t well. She wasn’t going back and despite being told to wait, I pressed send on the email to our Local Authority requesting an Education, Health, Care Assessment.
There wasn’t instant relief by any means; after all, Sophia did actually want to attend school but due to many factors couldn’t. I believe that she had been masking her difficulties for so long and had finally hit burn out. Sophia was tired, fraught, angry and frustrated. Even with the demands of getting up and going to school eradicated, the internal demand that she should be were still firmly in place.
A few weeks passed and she was beginning to find her flow. Her Dad went to work and Sister to school and she clawed back some autonomy and calm in her life. Waking up when she chose, being in the sanctuary of a safe space, wearing what felt comfortable, grazing on food throughout the day and taking charge of the remote control! I can still hear gasps …..”What? She’s not going to school?” “She’s not doing any work at home?” “You’re letting her have unlimited screen time?”
I was breaking all the rules apparently which doesn’t come easily to a ‘People Pleaser’ like me. There were many dark times when I did question everything and wished I could run away and hide but a fire had been lit in me. As time went on i knew that forcing Sophia to get up, get dressed, do work and leave the house was doing far more damage than good. I had to listen when no one else would.
Calm soon became chaos as the pandemic forced office and school closures and we were plunged like so many families into all being at home. Expectations from Richard’s work and Freya’s school remained high and the battle for quiet space, desks and wifi was rapidly becoming unbearable and Sophia’s levels of anxiety went understandably through the roof! More bodies in the house, phones ringing, video calls, dog barking and technology buffering. We rapidly hit crisis point when Sophia wasn’t able to accept that her Sister couldn’t play with her or watch films whilst she was doing her online learning.
The only way she could communicate her distress, panic and inability to cope with our new and overloading situation was through ‘meltdowns’. Anything up to five times a day we would need to be ready to step up, remain calm and ride it out. Her panic attacks involved screaming, shouting, throwing things, scratching us and pulling hair – prolonged moments of being out of control, a cry for help and most importantly NOT naughty behaviour that needed punishing! Our priority of course was to keep everyone safe and at a time when we’d been told to stay at home, our thoughts turned to how are we going to get through this.
I was also spending as much time as I could coordinating Sophia’s professional assessments for her EHC and securing funded home tutoring whilst she couldn’t attend school. With the process being hard enough anyway, add Covid into the mix and even more barriers were raised. Assessments that would typically be conducted face to face were now over the phone or zoom and over the year tutoring offers were inconsistent. One saving grace came in the form of Equine Training which could continue throughout lockdown.
If you follow me on social media, you will have seen a number of posts and pictures of Sophia flourishing and thriving in this unique environment. Her weekly session has given her the opportunity to feel safe outdoors and build trust in both her teacher and of course the horses. It gives her a purpose and a feeling of joy and has certainly been a lifeline throughout these difficult times.
Schools being closed to most children and visitors added an additional layer of difficulty for us when it came to finding the right provision for Sophia to attend. How could we fight for a school that we had never visited? I believe that recommendations from professionals and parents can be useful but what works for one child may not for another and I was really keen to see places for myself and also speak to staff members. Thankfully as some restrictions lifted we were able to visit our preferred school and were blown away by their offer, expertise and flexibility.
As the months have passed we have settled into some loose routines with tuition, horses, dance and meet ups but there are still days when boredom creeps in and she longs to be starting at her new school right this minute! There was light at the end of the tunnel as we secured Sophia’s chosen school prior to a Tribunal Court Hearing but that is a blog post for another day! We will enjoy the summer holidays but ‘Back to School’ will take on a whole new meaning for us this September!
We know there will be bumps in the road and that’s ok. We are prepared for days when it is just a “no” but we are excited about the opportunities that could open up for her!
