Walk in the woods

I didn’t think this would be my first post but after a week of questioning should I actually do this blogging thing? Well here goes …

The last few years have been hard, the last few months harder. Each day praying the next would be easier and then comes along Covid – 19. Our youngest whose anxiety levels were already at tipping point have gone through the roof!

As lockdown was appearing to be imminent, Sophia hardly left my side and it was impossible for family conversations not to come back to the Coronavirus as it was beginning to touch every part of our life. She was getting more and more frustrated and worried so we had to curb what we discussed.

Over the last few weeks, it has been increasingly difficult to exit the house for a number of reasons. Firstly, Sophia was fearful that she would catch the virus and secondly, she didn’t want me to go out and die. Other days she was stuck, wanting lockdown to be over but not feeling comfortable to be out of the security of home.

Just before we were told to stay at home, we’d been and bought a buggy. I’d looked for months to find a way of getting out with the family for some fresh air. I thought possibly a bike trolley or a ‘Radio Flyer Wagon’ would work but in the end I decided on the pushchair.

Sophia is more than physically capable of walking and even running very fast when she can but when she becomes overwhelmed she will drop to the floor or demand to be carried. Prior to our understanding of PDA we would be extremely frustrated in these situations. Why will she not walk? We were embarrassed in front of friends and family who had younger children that would toddle along or whizz off on their bikes.

On Tuesday, Sophia actually asked to take a walk to the woods. She loves to find walking sticks! Sounds easy right … well first of all we thought it was cold so we got wrapped up. There were three changes of footwear because of stones in the bottom of her walking shoes and then the decision to actually not go out at all. We wondered whether pushing her to the woods and back with a short walk in the middle would help. She did agree but within minutes was too warm and as always we did not know how this was going to go.

Upon arrival at the wooded area, Sophia was unable to walk. She stood still behind a tree in freeze mode. I made the quick decision to head back and she strapped herself back in where she felt safer. As I rapidly pushed her home, my heart racing, my sadness building I felt myself giving in again. The paths were very busy despite social distancing restrictions and the faces of judgement at me pushing a tall nine year old in a buggy were too much.